Why I am here...

The past few years have been far from quiet.. or boring. I met my husband ''M" about 6 years ago. We had not been together for long when it was found I had a dermoid tumour on my right ovary. They took out the tumour along with my right ovary and tube. An infection from this op caused massive internal scarring and adhesions. This ruined my left tube, and now it is fully blocked. After lots of checks and day surgery they told me I would need to do IVF to have kids. Fast forward a few years, we decide to try it before getting married and it worked first go. We had our daughter "A" in Dec 07. We did end up getting married in Aug the next year. Later that year we went to do IVF again, and once again it worked ! I was due in August the following year. At 16 weeks pregnant things began to go wrong. I noticed I was leaking fluid.. then I started to get contractions that wouldnt stop. I was put on bedrest in hospital for 3 straight weeks. Each day I was told my baby would not survive and that I would lose it that day. I eventually started to bleed and had a proper scan with a specialist. It turns out the baby had zero amniotic fluid, and the cord had prolapsed out and was almost out of me. I was told the baby had zero chance of survival and if I did not induce her, the risk of infection was massive which could mean risking my life, or keeping my uterus. The next day we went in to be induced.. knowing this would kill my baby. After 6 hours of slow labour, my second daughter was born "R" was perfect. She looked just like "A" did when she was born, just much smaller ! She was fully formed and even had tiny fingernails. Delivering her was the the most physically and emotionally painful thing I have ever gone through. I did not have time for any pain relief and she was born with no fluid, or vernix to help get her out. The placenta could not be delivered as it had dried to the side of my uterus. I lost a lot of blood that day, around 1.5 litres. I thought I was going to die.. I have never been that weak before. This happened in March 09.. It has been a few months now.. so I am hoping things start to look up. I have created this blog to vent when I want.. to share my story with strangers that will not judge me. I hate how people think I should be over losing my daughter so soon. I feel like a broken record to those around me.. I dont want to go on about it anymore. How can I expect people who dont have kids, or dont want kids to know what I am feeling? This blog is here to heal me.. and my journey of moving forward.